I started out writing this as an email to just a few people. It makes me feel vulnerable, like I’m sharing too much. And then I decided to add it to my blog in the hope that sharing too much may be just the right thing to do.
So this morning I woke up feeling super emotional. As I try to BE STILL, WAIT, CLING, my splintered fingers are also clinging to children, laundry, gift wrapping. Trying to complete the final details so we wake on Christmas morning to stockings and gifts, yet trying to focus on my Saviors birth and His promises of mercy and grace, AND hovering over my head like a heavy rain cloud is my impending surgery tomorrow. And the emotions are running deep. I’m feeling absolutely loved and cared for by my Heavenly Father. I am feeling true gratefulness for my family and friends who have poured out their love to me through prayer, and meals, and cards and gifts. I am feeling this deep sense of gratitude for having so much but deserving so little. And I’m feeling fear, not overwhelming, not paralyzing, but it’s there. It’s as if my heart is going to burst from the outpouring of grace I am experiencing but there is a weight, its heavy and it won’t go away. It’s also holding back my tears. They want to fall but the fear of the unknown and what if’s are holding them back, trying to hold off the inevitable. A sense of nervousness is stirring and I am just uncomfortable sitting in it. That nervousness is whispering, maybe shouting truth to me. “Heather, you are not in control. You never were.” That nervousness is pushing me into deeper recognition that I can’t do this alone. In fact, I can do nothing without HIM. And that recognition is scary and wonderful and beautiful all at the same time. Scary because I spend so much of my time believing that I am the one in control, I am running my life and making decisions. And wonderful because I know there is someone so much better and loving and perfect who is in control. That is beautiful. So, I sit nestled on my couch listening to music and letting it speak to my heart. And with each word I hear and with each word I write, the weight of the fear is losing its power and it is being replaced by peace and gratefulness. The tears are streaming just a bit, I’m not ready to go there quite yet. It’s amazing how the heart has room to hold so much all at once.
BE STILL, WAIT, CLING,
Take a minute to listen to this song. It’s lovely and pushing my rain clouds away.